I recently chaired in the Book Nook, Stewarton, author Craig Robertson whose new book ‘The Trials of Marjorie Crowe’ is a crime story that features accusations of witchcraft and a crazed witch hunt by social media. In chatting to Craig I recalled my brief account of the witch craze in Scotland, when thousands of innocent people were tortured and put to death on evidence that would be charitable to term spurious.

I’ve dug the material out from my unedited manuscript of DARK HEART (now out of print), my non-fiction account of the Edinburgh Tolbooth where many of those accused of witchcraft were held and suffered before execution.

NOTE: Parts of this account may prove disturbing.

Part one

IN the late fifteenth century, the Church of Rome was becoming increasingly concerned with the growth of heresy and so a Papal Bull was issued by Pope Innocent VIII in order to stem the flood of souls being seduced by the dark side – witchcraft and Satanism. This led to the creation of the Holy Office, or the Inquisition as it is more popularly known, which famously found in Queen Isabella of Spain a willing patron and in the Dominican friar Tomas de Torquemada a more than willing instrument of terror.

The book used by the holy men of the Inquisition as a guide to rooting out those who had fallen under the glamour of the Devil and all his works was the 1486 bestseller Malleus Maleficarum, the ‘Hammer of the Evildoers’ or ‘Hammer of the Witches’. Its authors, Jacobus Sprenger and Heinrich Kramer, were a pair of German friars who had grown concerned over the high level of heresy in their own country. This hefty volume – running close to a quarter of a million words – taught would-be witch hunters how to spot dabblers in the Black Arts and how to put them to the question.

Fear of witchcraft even reached the shores of Scotland, although many of the earliest recorded cases seem to have been motivated more by love of money or power than a love of Christ. A popular theme was an accusation of threats against the King, as in 1479, when John Stewart, Earl of Mar, was accused of trying to harm James III by melting a waxen image. The fact that the Earl was the King’s brother did not help him, for he was imprisoned in the Castle where he bled to death while overly enthusiastic doctors applied leeches to combat a fever. The King’s other brother, Alexander, Duke of Albany, was also accused but he showed just how slippery he could be when he killed his guards and drooped down the rockface on a rope made out of bed sheets. A page boy who escaped with him broke his legs in a fall and Albany carried him to Leith from where he escaped to France. He did not return until James was imprisoned by his Barons. Meanwhile, the man who made the allegations, Robert Cochrane, became Earl of Mar, which was no doubt his plan all along. He received his comeuppance during the Barons’ rebellion, when he was among the King’s supporters executed in Lanarkshire.

In 1535, Lady Jane Douglas was accused of conspiring by means of sorcery to poison King James V. The accusation was levelled by William Lyon, a relative of her first husband, Lord Glamis, who had quite fancied becoming her second husband. However, she had rejected his suit and married another kinsman, Lord Lyon. The accusation was taken seriously and Lady Jane, her husband, her son and the family priest were brought to Edinburgh to face trial. There was some misgiving about the whole proceedings, but William Lyon seemed to have considerable pull for he convinced the courts to torture the accused on the rack until they confessed. Lady Glamis was then carried to Castle Hill where she was chained to the stake and burned alive, barrels of tar and rags dripping in oil piled up around her as an accelerant. Like Albany over fifty years before, her husband attempted a daring escape from his cell in the Castle but, unlike Albany, fell to his death. Later, William Lyon’s conscience moved him to confess that his accusations had been false.

By the 16th Century, Europe had suffered almost two hundred years of Church-sponsored terrorism in the form of the Inquisition. Scotland, of course, would have no truck with such Papist hocus-pocus because, by that time, the country was rabidly Calvinist. That did not mean it denied the existence of witches, for the Presbyterians were not slow to unleash the wrath of God on anyone who did not follow their path. Duringthe reign of Mary, Queen of Scots, the first laws were introduced to curtail witchcraft. An Act of Parliament, passed on 4 June 1563, stated that: ‘Nae person take upon hand to use ony manner of witchcrafts, sorcery or necromancy, or give themselves forth to have ony sic craft or knowledge thereof, there-through abusing the people …’ It also stated that no person should ‘seek ony help, response or consolation at ony sic users or abusers of witchcrafts …’ Of course, it ended with the customary admonition ‘on pain of death’.

The Edinburgh Tollbooth, the town jail

And there was a great deal of pain and death awaiting anyone accused of being in league with the Devil. Torture was commonplace and it was used with some glee in trying to extract confessions from the accused. The authorities believed that traffickers with Satan did not act in isolation and so they felt it their duty to subject any person suspected of being a witch or wizard to the direst of tortures to loosen their tongues and name names. Women had their heads shaven, were stripped naked and thrown into the coldest cell of the Tolbooth where the gaolers delighted in beating them, starving them, depriving them of sleep and tormenting them by applying lit candles to their flesh. They could be ‘thrawed,’ during which a rope was wrapped around their head and tightened. Their nails could be wrenched off with pincers, or needles pushed under them. They could be whipped and branded.  A leg could be encased in an iron brace and the brace placed into a fire and the fire stoked until the metal grew white hot and roasted the skin. They could be thrown into deep water to sink or swim. If they sank and drowned they were deemed innocent. If they did not then they were guilty. In Edinburgh, the Nor’ Loch (now the site of Princes Gardens and Waverley Station) was the favourite spot for this punishment. It was also, incidentally, a handy spot to exact swift punishment on less occult-based malefactors found guilty at night courts. Finally, whether or not the witches had confessed – although generally they had – and whether or not they had implicated others, they would be burned at the stake, just like Lady Jane Douglas. Some were lucky to be first ‘wirreit’ – strangled and then burned – but others were ‘burnt quick’ which often meant being put in a tar barrel and burned alive.

It was in the time of Mary’s son, James Vl in Scotland and James l everywhere else, that the line ‘Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live’ may well have been inserted into the Bible when what was to become known as the Authorised Version was being written. He may have been ‘the wisest fool in Christendom’ but Jamie the Saxt was obsessed with the Black Arts, which he deemed ‘a synne most odious’ and that Old Testament line gave those of a holy disposition just cause to stamp out anything deemed unholy. Intelligent he may have been, but James was a paranoid, suspicious little man, often with good cause, and the machinations of witches and warlocks were yet another threat to his wellbeing. He even wrote a tract on the subject called ‘Daemonologie’ which, along with the ‘Malleus Malifecarum’, became something of a ‘How To’ handbook in the seventeenth century for the growing body of witch hunters. 

Superstition, jealousy, greed and religious fervour could all come into play during witchhunts. Single women living alone could be accused of being witches. If they used natural remedies – the old ways – to heal human or animal, they could be accused of being witches. If they were attractive and turned the heads of married men, they could be accused of being witches. Of course, it may well be that some of the accused probably did believe themselves to be in league with Devil, whether through insanity, substance abuse or mass hysteria. Then, of course, they might actually have been witches or, rather, adherents to ways older than the Christian Church. Like many a religion, Christianity has often shown itself less than keen to tolerate older beliefs and what traditions it did not welcome into the embrace of its own customs (for instance, Hallowe’en, Easter and even Christmas) it declared anathema and resolved to root them out.

In 1590, in Tranent, East Lothian, a local Baillie and landowner suspected a servant girl of being a witch – and set in motion one of the most infamous, and far-reaching, witchhunts in Scottish history. Before it ended, over 70 people were accused of being part of a coven that threatened the life of the King and his new wife, and by extension, the security of the nation. Before it ended, blood was shed in the Tolbooth and screams heard on the Castle Hill as people succumbed to the executioners’ rope or roasted over an open flame. Politics once again reared its ugly head as a powerful nobleman who scared the little king was accused of being at the centre of the plot.

(To be continued)

It’s an attractive little town, like many in the highlands. Neat streets. Solid stone buildings. Stunning views to the mountains.

But for one weekend a year it becomes the focal point of murder and mayhem. A centre of dark acts and despicable deeds.

And that’s just the jokes in Carry on Sleuthing!

Yes, it’s time for the Wee Crime Festival in lovely Grantown-on-Spey (November 2-4).

This will mark the fourth year I’ve trekked northwards for this absolutely terrific event and one of these years they’ll find me out.

Once again the Crime Writers Associated Players (CWAP) will be debuting a brand new Carry on Sleuthing. There will be drama, horror and tears. And that’s just when Michael J. Malone can’t find his sporran.

Caro Ramsay will once again be taking the leading role. Spinster sleuth Letitia Luvibod is becoming very much her alter ego, I think.

But that’s just one event in the weekend of fun and fear.

There are top names attending this year.

Stuart McBride!

Alex Gray!

Craig Robertson!

Alex Sokoloff!

Neil Broadfoot!

Sandra Ireland!

Thomas Enger!

Margaret Kirk!

Helen Forbes!

Hugh Pugh, Barney McGrew!

Well, okay perhaps not the last two.

The events mostly take place in the Pagoda, a terrific venue in the town, while the Saturday night dinner takes over the Garth Hotel restaurant and the Sunday session will be found in Grantown Golf Club.

Come along and make a weekend of it. It is a truly great festival – Marjorie in the Bookmark and her willing band of volunteers really do a great job in pulling all this together.

 

I’m sitting at my desk feeling as if I’ve just done ten rounds with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and not in a good way.

What can possibly be the cause of this exhaustion, this feeling that my body has been used as a bouncy castle and that someone has taken the rough end of a match box to my throat?

Then I remember.

I’m just back from Bloody Scotland.

I feel as if I was on the go continually from Friday night and not because of a cheeseburger from hell. (For the record, there were no such gastric unpleasantries. I knew, secretly, you were concerned.)

Naturally, there was drink taken. I, of course, being pure and unsullied kept my wits about me at all times. Which really isn’t saying much.

I met lots of great people – writers, bloggers and readers. Far too many to name here but it was great to meet you and also say hello to those who have already encountered me and were no doubt doing their best to repeat the experience. Unfortunately for them, Stirling isn’t that big.

Friday night began with a civic reception where I had my photie took with the other long and shortlisters for this year’s McIlvanney Prize. I may mentioned once or twice that I was longlisted for ‘Open Wounds.’

That Christopher Brookmyre fella won for ‘Black Widow’, deservedly, but that didn’t stop me from wondering if I could somehow distract him and nick his prize.

Then it was off to the opening event – the ever wonderful Caro Ramsay in conversation with Stuart MacBride. They were absolutely brilliant and I made a guest appearance. Well, a photograph of me, which Caro had taped to one side of a badminton racquet. I initially considered contacting my lawyer acquaintance downtown about unauthorised use of my image but then I realised that to make an appearance, albeit fleeting, at an event with two top authors can’t be a bad thing.

It was a prop she’d used at the Glasgow launch of The Dead Don’t Boogie the night before. There was Spoiler Alert on one side and my face on its backside. Thankfully, it wasn’t my backside on its face.

Stuart MacBride was no doubt bemused as to who this guy was (as was most of the audience). Especially as Caro had drawn a moustache on the picture (I was clean-shaven in it). Looked good on me. I may draw one on my actual coupon.

After that it was off to the launch of Craig Robertson’s ‘Murderabilia’. A great title and a great cover. It was, however, the second best book to be published officially on Thursday (the other one was mine). That line is actually Craig’s to me but this is my blog. So there.

Impressive cover for Craig Robertson's newie

Impressive cover for Craig Robertson’s newie

Saturday morning’s mission was to find a truncheon. We thought about asking a policeman if he had some wood in his pocket but that might’ve been misconstrued. Neil Broadfoot and I scoured Stirling. Well, we walked round some shops. We finally found a rounders bat which, when wrapped in black electrical tape, made for a reasonable facsimile of an old-fashioned truncheon for that night’s play, what Alanna Knight wrote. Gordon Brown had it dangling from his trousers.

Moving swiftly on…

My panel – the cleverly-titled Scotland the Grave – was on Saturday. Theresa Talbot chaired with aplomb, which she kept in a bag at her side. The panel was a great success, largely down to the quality panelling of Catriona McPherson, Gillian Galbraith and Russel D. McLean.

I used the newly-fashioned truncheon as a prop. Well, I kept falling over.

Catriona MacPherson, Gillian Galbraith, Russel D.McLean and Theresa Talbot listen as I make some truncheon remarks.

Catriona McPherson, Gillian Galbraith, Russel D.McLean and Theresa Talbot listen as I make some truncheon remarks.

Gillian and I realise with disappointment that this water is actually only water while Theresa wonders why she can't get a tune out of her clarinet. She got the water that wasn't actually water.

Gillian and I realise with disappointment that this water is actually only water while Theresa wonders why she can’t get a tune out of her clarinet. She got the water that wasn’t actually water. Pictures courtesy of Gordon McGhie/Grabthisbook

After the event, during which I had some fun at Ayrshire’s expense, I met Hugh McIlvanney, brother of William McIlvanney, who reminded me that they were from Ayrshire. I regretted that sheep joke.

Glossing over the entire can of whup ass that was opened on the Scottish football squad by the English, I met up with avid readers from The Book Club in a local hostelry. They’re a handful, let me tell you.

That afternoon I attended a pop-up launch for Michael J. Malone’s new book ‘A Suitable Lie’. It is a great book and one that I’d highly recommend. If it’s not on at least the long-list for the McIlvanney Prize next year I’ll be very surprised. And that’ll be twenty quid, Michael. Cash, cheques and luncheon vouchers accepted.

Another great cover, this time for Michael J. Malone's latest

Another great cover, this time for Michael J. Malone’s latest

I then had to do some piper wrangling.

I’d better explain.

For a surprise during Craig Robertson’s crime quiz, a bagpiper was to come in and play a medley of TV theme tunes. He had been unavoidably detained and I was volunteered to usher him from the green room to the hall when the time was right. Only thing was, I had no idea what the hell was going on. No change there, then.

Anyway, he was warming his instrument – stop sniggering at the back – and I waited for some kind of hint from the stage that the musical round was coming up. I then had to sprint, well, walk quickly, well, walk, to the green room and usher him in. He couldn’t wait outside the ballroom because he had to keep his bag inflated. Which is something I thought I’d never say in polite company, let alone a bunch of crime writers.

Anyway, there was a slight delay but in he went and it was a great success. The audience loved it.

Naturally, I recognised all the tunes. Mind you, he had given me a list, so that helped.

Craig Robertson makes for a fabulous quizmaster while the teams of Val McDermid, Caro Ramsay, Susi Holliday, Chris Brookmyre, Luva Veste and Steve Cavanagh all did really well. Even if they didn’t recognise the theme to Hamish Macbeth.

Having now experienced Crime at the Coo I know what a sardine feels like. The pub was so crammed we were standing cheek-to-cheek in all directions. Neil Broadfoot took a sip of his beer and I belched. Yup, crowded.

It’s an event where crime writers sing, recite and generally show off how talented they are. My turn was to stand in the crowd and sweat. I did it so well I may take it professionally.

One of the highlights – and there were many – was the Slice Girls, who performed two numbers. They’re so good they’re playing The House of Blues in New Orleans soon. Seriously.

If you get to Bloody Scotland, make sure you get a ticket for this event. It’s great.

The following day I caught two panels before I had to head home and fight falling asleep at the wheel.

The first was How Tartan is Your Noir. Theresa got her plomb out again to keep Aline Templeton, Bill Daly, Matt Bendoris and Neil Broadfoot in line. She almost managed, too.

Neil Broadfoot, Matt Bendoris, Aline Templeton, Bill Daly and Theresa Talbot practice looking into the middle distance. Pic courtesy of me.

Neil Broadfoot, Matt Bendoris, Aline Templeton, Bill Daly and Theresa Talbot practice looking into the middle distance. Pic courtesy of me.

Then I saw Booker Prize longlister Graeme Macrae Burnet, Michael Ridpath and Craig Russell talking about writing in exile. They were all excellent and I couldn’t spot the team of hardened mercenaries who protect Graeme’s person now that he’s such a huge success. Journalist Craig Sisterson was in the chair and he made me sick – he did the entire session impossibly well without a note or a written question! I hate excessive competence in a person.

Caro Ramsay, Neil Broadfoot and I seem to be taking a question very seriously during last year's Death in Grantown festival. Matt Bendoris, far right, has a twinkly in his eye though. Something cheeky was coming I think.

Caro Ramsay, Neil Broadfoot and I seem to be taking a question very seriously during last year’s Death in Grantown festival. Matt Bendoris, far right, has a twinkly in his eye though. Something cheeky was coming I think.

Three years ago, if you’d asked me to stand in front of an audience and talk, I’d’ve died with my feet in the air.

Now, when I go to the fridge and the light comes on, I do a ten minute bit.

I wanted to be an actor when I was a slip of a lad (the lad in question being my father, the slip being me – thank you ‘Round the Horne’). I was never that outgoing – didn’t much like parties or socialising – but get me in front of an audience and I was off.

As I grew older I lost that ability to perform. It simply vanished. During my true crime years I made a number of TV radio appearances – still do – but that’s not the same as being up there with real people looking at you.

Then I had my first novel, ‘Blood City’, published and – gulp – I was expected to perform.

The first occasion was an event thrown by my publisher during the Edinburgh Festival and I was one of a number of authors asked to give a reading. I was one of the last called and the nervous sweat could’ve refloated the Titanic. The book was as yet unreleased so I was reading from a somewhat soggy typewritten sheet. It didn’t help that I’d forgotten my reading glasses.

I worked a little from memory and I think I may even have rewritten a section as I went along. At one point I found myself in a verbal tangle and paraphrased Harrison Ford to George Lucas when shooting the first Star Wars film – you can type this stuff, but you can’t say it. The audience laughed. They were on my side. I liked it.

Now whenever I do an event, as Donald O’Connor once sang, I like to make ‘em laugh.

Caro, Matt and myself celebrate a second great win the titanic East v West play-offs. The East Coast writers, including Neil Broadfoot, Doug Johnston and Frank TF Muir, lost despite having a home advantage and an greement ahead of time they were going to win. Craig Robertson was the impeccably fair chair.

Caro, Matt and myself celebrate a second great win the titanic East v West play-offs. The East Coast writers, including Neil Broadfoot, Doug Johnston and Frank TF Muir, lost despite having a home advantage and an greement ahead of time they were going to win. Craig Robertson was the impeccably fair chair.

Yes, my books can be dark but that doesn’t mean I have to be, at least in public. I do try to follow the sage advice of a seasoned bookseller to be windswept and interesting but my motto is take the work seriously but not myself.

I’m still no good at socialising, though, and in festival bars I’m usually the one trying to merge with the background.

 

Next up, though, is Carry on Sleuthing. What’s that? It’s a comedy-mystery radio play to be performed by four crime writers in a bookshop. Don’t say we don’t push the envelope.

You may have noticed it being mentioned on Facebook, Twitter and even this very site you are currently perusing. But in case you’ve been exploring regions of the Amazonian rain forest where the hand of man has never set foot, let me fill you in.

It’ll feature Caro Ramsay as amateur detective Letitia Luvibod who is asked to solve a perplexing mystery on board the SS Naughty Nigel.

Odious lawyer Hiram Grabbitt has been foully done to death and the suspects include bestselling author Dame Petunia Uppercrust, press baron Piggy Grunter, flapper Loxie McLovely and millionairess Colleen O’Blarney. Add in salty sea dog Captain Obadiah Trusspot, manservant Tremble and Inspector Bumble of the Yard and you have the recipe for a night of mystery and mirth.

Theresa Talbot, Michael J Malone and some eejit called Skelton will take out acting talents out for a spin as the entire supporting cast.

It’ll be fun but it is daunting.

I’m a bit of a limelighter now but I think I may have a drink beforehand. Or a Valium. Or both.

(Carry on Sleuthing can be seen for one night only in Waterstones Argyle Street on Friday April 8 at 7pm. Details in the Events section of this website)

 

So, 2015 – looks like you’re on your last legs.

You’ve been a funny old year, my first as a full-time author. Whatever the hell that means.

It has been successful, although I’m far from achieving my goal of going into tax exile.

But this year’s Davie McCall was very well received overall. That made me happy.

I read some great books this year, which made choosing just one for the Daily Record’s Book Club Page on January 2 extremely difficult. I don’t think I read as much this year, judging by the number of titles by top authors on my To Be Read pile. So if your name doesn’t appear here, don’t take it personally – I’ve just not read it yet. So many books, so little time – and I don’t read fast. My lips get very tired.

I did read a few books that are not yet out – and let me tell you, you’re in for a treat next year and in 2017.  I may also have worked on a thing or two myself.

Michael J. Malone’s ‘Beyond the Rage’ was an absolute belter, as was Neil Broadfoot’s ‘The Storm,’ which was so smooth you wouldn’t believe it was only his second novel. Their writing just gets better and better and if you haven’t caught up with them, then get those sandshoes on and pick up the pace. I’m expecting big things from them both next year.rage storm cover

Matt Bendoris brought his tabloid chirpiness and no-nonsense story-telling stunningly to the fore with ‘DM for Murder’ (shortlisted for the Scottish Crime Book of the Year. Contractual obligation to mention that fulfilled), while Graeme MacRae Burnet’s more literary ‘His Bloody Project’ was a stupendous achievement, an historical crime story where we know the culprit yet it still managed to surprise me!

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I approached Graham Lironi’s ‘Oh Marina Girl’ with caution as, like Graeme’s book, it was literary. Being of a pulpy bent (although I believe there are pills I can take for that) I tend more towards the thick-ear school but this Rubik Cube of a novel was a delight.

All of the above were published by Contraband, a courageous Scottish imprint dedicated to bringing the best in crime writing to the shelves. (They’re bringing one of mine out next year. Yes, I’m crawling. No, I’m not ashamed of myself).

Speaking of literature, crime writer Benjamin Black is actually poet John Banville and this year I caught up with his Philip Marlowe turn ‘The Black Eyed Blonde’. OK, it wasn’t Marlowe in his prime but it was close enough.

After his sojourn in the Faroe Isles with the utterly fabulous ‘The Last Refuge’, Craig Robertson returned to the streets of Glasgow. His new one, ‘In Place of Death’, was a hugely satisfying mystery set around the world of urbexing, exploring urban sites usually closed off to the public. It was another in his Narey and Winter series, which if you’ve never read you should add to your list. You really feel the city tremble beneath your fingers in Robertson’s writing. Don’t tell him I said that, though.

Craig

I started reading Caro Ramsay’s Anderson and Costello thrillers this year. The first, ‘Absolution’, was a gripping read with a surprise ending. I like surprises. The rest of the series is on my list for future reading and I know I won’t be disappointed.

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Theresa Talbot’s first novel, ‘Penance’, was very impressive. Funny and dark in equal measure, it took a real-life incident from the 1950s and weaved in a modern-day murder mystery. She’s a name to watch – and a voice to listen to if you’re driving, for she reads the traffic report on BBC Radio Scotland. So when you’re stuck in a traffic jam, you know who to blame.

theresa

This year I also read Peter May’s ‘Entry Island’ and ‘Runaway’. Loved them both. That man writes so well it’s sickening (something he shares with all the authors I mention here. Some of them have to go. I mean, seriously). He is a true craftsman.

Craig Russell’s ‘The Ghosts of Altona’ was also expertly delivered by a master. The prose was so evocative.

Val McDermid returned with ‘Splinter the Silence’, in which Tony Hill and Carol Jordan found themselves mired in the murky world of on-line trolling and the even murkier world of internal police politics. It did not disappoint the author’s myriad of fans.

Val also gave us a belter of a non-fiction piece in ‘Forensics’, a highly readable look into the nuts and bolts – and beasties and slime – of forensics. A must read for any would-be crime writers.

Meanwhile, Alex Gray took Lorimer away from the concrete and stone of Glasgow to the tranquillity of Mull with ‘Keep the Midnight Out’. Naturally, there was a murder or two – and fans lapped up the change of scene eagerly. The opening scene in particular was brilliantly descriptive.

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Tony Black stepped away from urban noir a couple of years ago and this year he brought us his second Bob Valentine book. The Ayr-based cop with the tendency to see dead people (long before TV’s ‘River’) found himself dealing with a tragic family drama that took him across the water to Arran. The seaside setting makes for a refreshing alternative to the city-based cop thrillers we’re used to and ‘A Taste of Ashes’ was a fine read.

I also enjoyed my introduction to his Gus Durie novels, ‘Loss’. Terse, dark, brutal.

Nick Sweet took us even further afield – to Spain – for a ‘The Long Siesta’. There wasn’t much loafing about in the sun in this dark tale of murder and past crimes in the Seville sunlight. It was another fast-paced, no-nonsense read and we’ll hear more from this author, I’m certain.

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Mason Cross gave us his second Carter Blake thriller in ‘The Samaritan.’ He writes American so well it’s hard to believe he’s not got mom’s apple pie running through his veins.

Mason

None of the above are listed in any order of preference. But which one did I choose for Shari Low’s column?

It was a tough decision, a REALLY tough decision, because all of these books deserved it for one reason or another.

In the end I decided on…

Sorry – you’ll need to buy the paper to find out.

Unless my contribution doesn’t make the cut.books

Well, that’s it – National Crime Reading Month is over for another year.

The month was a joint initiative between the Crime Writer’s Association and the Crime Reader’s Association to promote peace and goodwill. Nah, it was to promote crime reading. Who’da thunk it?

Anyhoo, what did I get up to during the month.

Yes, me, me, me…

Well, June 1 saw me at the vet, so I don’t chase the ladies anymore. Doesn’t matter – I never caught ’em anyway.

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June 3 saw the launch of this year’s Bloody Scotland programme in Stirling.

If you’ve just joined us, here’s the story so far…

Bloody Scotland is Scotland’s international crime writing festival. Every September the great, the good and the just plain gorgeous gather in Stirling to talk crime writing. It’s a fabulous weekend and if you haven’t been you really should make the time because it’s a lot of fun.

I’m on during the Sunday, alone with the always terrific Caro Ramsay and someone called Michael J. Malone, who I’ve never heard of. It promises to be a lorra laughs, as Cilla used to say. And may still do for all I know.

I also visited the dentist during June. She said it wouldn’t hurt so I bit her. Guess what? She was wrong.

But my teeth are still squint.

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June 18 saw the launch of the third Davie McCall book, DEVIL’S KNOCK.

It’s been talked about elsewhere on the site so suffice it to say that the book is now available and I’d really like you to buy it. Those teeth won’t straighten themselves, you know.

I had an honourable mention during an event in Glasgow on June 23, when Caro Ramsay, Craig Robertson and that fella Michael J. Malone (I really should find out who he is) took to the stage at Oran Mor in Glasgow to talk Crime After Dark. Or Noir at Night. Or something. I’m far too lazy to look it up.

This was another hugely entertaining night and anyone who thinks crime writers can’t be funny should listen to these three.

I settled into the STV Glasgow couch on The Riverside Show the following night to talk about the new book and Macaroni Pies, which have been consigned to the big food bin in the sky. I’ve never had one but now that I can’t I really have a yearning. Life’s funny.

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On June 26 I was one of a determined squad of crime writers who invaded Edinburgh. From out of the west we came – and gave those writers from the east a sound thrashing. Okay, there was only two points in it but we won and that’s the main thing. Caro captained our team and the third gladiator was Matt Bendoris.

Doug Johnstone led the beleaguered east coasters – Neil Broadfoot and TF Muir, but we call him Frank. Among other things.

Craig Robertson was question master but also managed to score minus 40, which is quite a feat.

I ended Crime Reading Month with ‘Carry on Sleuthing’, a radio play what I wrote.

I was asked to do this some time ago by Aileen Cowan, the head honcho at the Carnegie Library in Ayr. I wasn’t sure about it at first, to be honest, but finally I put my nose to the grindstone and my shoulder to the wheel. After I had some treatment for a sore back, I started writing.

The result was the comic mystery which we performed in the Library on June 29. Aileen, Samantha and Nan from the library took on all the female parts – apart from one, which I did, complete with red wig. I was also a sea captain and a press baron.

That fella Michael J. Malone played two parts – a gentleman’s gentleman and a police officer. And no, I still don’t know who he is.

It was a success, I think. A capacity audience laughed in all the right places – I think the wine helped with that – and tried to solve the mystery.

So, that’s it. A month of crime fun over. And I never thought I’d put the sword ‘Crime’ along with ‘fun’ until I joined the CWA!

I’m just back from Bristol and Crimefest 2015. I’m off booze for life. Well, maybe a couple of days.

Of course, there’s more to these crime bashes than drinking. There’s networking – something I’m not very good at – and meeting new people – which I’m even worse at. And you catch a panel or two, not including your own.

I saw some great panels this year. Caro Ramsay moderated a great line-up to talk about detective duos and later formed part of a panel on Psychopaths: Not very nice or just misunderstood? It was all very informative, entertaining and I learned that Stuart Neville wanted Francis Dollarhyde to get away at the end of ‘Red Dragon’. Which was controversial.

Craig Robertson was part of a group talking about Crime at the Borders of the Arctic and also chaired one on Mean Streets and Small Towns, during which he attempted Icelandic. And apparently failed.

Neil Broadfoot had a tough panel with Social and Political life in Crime Fiction but I had to return on Sunday so missed him with Anna Smith on Lawyers and Journalists: Upholders of truth and justice? Or…can we trust you? I think the answer to both of those questions is no.

And Mason Cross, international man of mystery, was there, first on a panel taking Thrillers from Psychology to Action, chaired by the always good value Stav Sherez, and then moderating the psychopaths session that featured Caro Ramsay.

I was delighted to meet up with Susan Wilkins, Howard Linskey and David Thorne four our panel on Villains as Heroes. Fergus McNeill was an excellent chair for the event and the panel had some very interesting things to say on the subject. I was my usual eejit.

I also thoroughly enjoyed the Sex and Crime panel, hosted by the erudite Barry Forshaw, featuring Antonia Hodgson, Nev Fountain, Peter Guttridge and Simon Toyne. It was a very witty 50 minutes, a bit spicy here and there. For anyone who saw me, I was fanning myself because the heat and not because of any rising blood pressure caused by immoral thoughts. I’m was thinking of doing a one man talk on the same subject but knowing me it would be all over after two minutes.

Can I just say that everyone I’ve mentioned above are superb live and if you ever get a chance to see them, take it. Tell them I sent you. No, on second thoughts, don’t. They might not let you in.

Of course, there was a lot – LOT – more going on. A host of superb authors entertaini

I enjoyed a relaxing moment or twenty listening to the Cathedral bells tolling on Sunday

I enjoyed a relaxing moment or twenty listening to the Cathedral bells tolling on Sunday

ng, enlightened and perhaps even enraged over the four-day event.  Crimefest is a great place for fans of the genre, not just for writers and bloggers. You can meet your favourite authors, buy them a drink, get books signed, buy them another drink, talk to them about their work and even buy them a drink or three.

Bristol is a beautiful city and the sun came out on Friday and hung around till Sunday, which was thoughtful. I didn’t take the trusty Nikon this year and forgot my phone took shots until it was too late so have no pics of the panels. However, you’ll find a couple on Twitter if you’re of the notion.

Speaking of which, a number of people were tweeting during the sessions. I didn’t because I’ve got a mobile phone that is so old the read out is in Latin but I was able to retweet some of them when I got home and wound up the PC. I really need to get a better phone.