The other day I found myself back in Glasgow. That’s just a turn of phrase, I wasn’t suffering from lost time and suddenly realised I was in the city. I went back for a reason – to record a podcast interview for Scots Whay Hae.
Anyway, I was just around the corner from where I had my first flat as an adult human being so I took a stroll down memory lane.
The flat was in the basement of a Greek Thomson designed building in Queen’s Square, Strathbungo, and I was about 21 years of age when I moved in.
Sometimes looking back is not a good idea. Just ask Lot’s wife.
I was full of bright–eyed enthusiasm then. The world was very much my edible bivalve mollusc. Okay, I was unhappy in work and that continued for decades to come but I had hope. I thought I was going to conquer the world.
The fact is, I didn’t.
I faffed around and I made wrong decisions and often walked the path of least resistance. I generally took the easy way, the least risky way, and convinced myself that it was the only way. Sure, I wasn’t wrong ALL the time. I did eventually wander into journalism and that ultimately led me to writing books. Along the way there were other high points – plays for amateur companies won awards, I co–wrote a radio comedy show broadcast on Radio Clyde, a one act play was performed at Pitclochry.
I met people who remain friends. Good friends. Friends I trust.
However, I did miss opportunities. I didn’t take chances. Shit, as they say, happened. Shit that still stains my life. Bad choices. Bad decisions. People I’ve hurt, disappointed. People I miss.
Now I’m doing what I wanted to do. I’m writing fiction. I should be happy and in many ways I am. I had a book longlisted for the McIlvanney Award last year, for goodness sake.
Financially, writing is about as rewarding as a stick up artist in a credit card company and who knows what old age will bring. In case you’re wondering, that’s due to hit at 2.33pm next Tuesday.
But through the writing I’ve met more people who have become friends. Wonderful, talented, supportive people.
And yet…
Depression. The black dog. Yup, it pads around now and again. I pat it but try not to feed it. Still it sticks its nose up, testing the air.
That’s what I mean when I say looking back isn’t good for someone like me. It makes me brood. It makes me long for the chance of a do–over. To perhaps take those chances I missed back then. To not make the same mistakes. To go the other way. To zig where previously I zagged.
Life ain’t easy, folks. And my advice to aspiring authors, or anyone really, is that sometimes you have to take leaps of faith. Professionally. Personally.
You might fall.
But, maybe – just maybe – you’ll fly.
Only you can decide if the risk is worth it.
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I was suggested this blog through my cousin. I am not sure whether this post is written via him as nobody else know such particular about my difficulty. You are incredible! Thank you!
Well worth reading. I too have met the black dog, but generally speaking life has been good. Some really bad times lately but they make the good times better. Came late to writing and will never be famous, but people, and not only friends, have expressed how might be appreciated my words.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and keep looking forward!
No website but have a page on facebook – Alistair Dunlop Novels
Douglas, you could have written that for me except the writing bit. We all wish we could go back. We all make mistakes. Not everyone makes the right decision on which path to take. Unfortunately such is life ,sometimes it sucks sometimes it’s great.
There are many similarities to my own life here. I love your honesty Douglas and it’s reassuring to know that others also seem to make life more difficult for themselves than is necessary. And it’s good to know that the black dog that often stalks me too also takes a big interest in others. I am not his only target. Of course there are outrageous highs when thing so supremely well that you can’t believe your luck. Outwardly we all look differently, but inwardly perhaps we’re not so unique after all.
I’ve known you for eons.
You’ve never wavered Douglas
You’re a rock to me
Some of my biggest stories came from you
I got the kudos (aftershave?) but you were both the source and the inspiration
When no one trusted me during my turmoil there was one man who backed me to the hilt
You may think that you’ve not achieved everything you dreamt of but to me you have